Monday, September 10, 2007

Crack Cat Makes Me Sad

It's been a very slow week for arsehead celebrity shenanigans. However, trawling through the interweb, I came across this little gem. It has been alleged by the Sun newspaper that cadaver in waiting Pete Doherty has been feeding his cat crack cocaine. Sources claim that the clearly disturbed Babyshambles frontman regularly sucks the glass dick with his cat Dinger, even fashioning the cat its very own miniature crack pipe. The slightly dubious sounding article goes on to claim that the cat now suffers from mood swings and believes it can fly. Apparently Doherty thinks this is hilarious.

Not to be outdone, I decided to try a little experiment of my own. My dog Hendrix has always had a fondness for mind bending chemicals. As students, my chums and I would spend many a mirthful evening force feeding poor Hendrix speed and magic mushrooms and collapsing in hysterics as the pooch, clearly fucked out of his mind, barked at a plant for six hours. Upon hearing Doherty's latest crack crazed antics it felt it was my duty, no my obligation, to outdo the fucker. I really was not prepared for what happened next.

Crack is a wimp's drug Doherty, you git! You ever see a King Charles Terrier fucked to the eyeballs on smack? Let me tell you it's not a pretty sight. I carefully loaded the spike with 60mgs of the finest China White Euros could by and spiked little Hendrix on the left paw. After the initial puking, Hendrix started to feel the rush. Being ever the caring owner I set the mood by putting on The Velvet Underground's soaring paeon to the brown love, the aptly titled Heroin. Hendrix was on Cloud-Fucking-Nine! Little doggy eyes rolling back in his skull. I cranked up the music and let Hendrix drift off into the needlebliss.

It's been almost a week now and Hendrix is already into the first stages of a habit. He's been moody and secretive and I've noticed money going missing from the house. What started out as a bit of fun has ended up causing a massive rift between us. Hendrix blames me for his habit but refuses to accept any help from me. I've offered to pay for rehab and even organized an unsuccessful intervention. Now I'm drinking too much and blaming myself for Hendrix's habit and the situation has hit crisis point.

Doherty you twat! Look what fucking misery you've caused! I hold you personally responsible for my dog's heroin addiction! In all seriousness though if this is true then Doherty is bigger cunt than I previously thought. He must be due another court appearance soon, surely? Let's hope the next judge is not so lenient and doles out a well deserved spell in the chokey. I don't know about you but the news of a prolonged campaign of shower beatings directed towards Doherty would cheer me up no end.

Read the full story here


(Note - The Author has never given a pet drugs, hard or ortherwise)

No comments: