Monday, September 10, 2007

The VMA's Turned Me into a Blabbering Wreck

Ok so here's a minute by minute, sap by spa rundown of The 2007 Video Music Awards as they were broadcast last night on MTV. It basically degenerates into a list of rude words by the end but you try and watch this thing and remain composed and witty, I'm surprised I didn't stick two pencils up my nose and slam my head on my laptop at some points.

21:00 :: Show starts! Britney's stumbling around, clearly confused. The damage is worse than we may have previously thought, she's forgotten how to lip-sync! Crowd looks like they may as well be watching Daniel Johnston. I wish Cypress Hill were making a comeback instead. Is it possible to applaud with a question mark? Everyone looks sad, which is understandable.

21:04 :: Nice one! Sarah Silverman, she'll make things right. Idiot crowd doesn't know whether to laugh or not, this is kinda uncomfortable. Shaved vagina's, diarrhoea, racist jokes! Silverman looks at the crowd like they're runny poo as she leaves, this will probably be the only good part.

21:14 :: Mark Ronson is leading the cunting house band for the night. He's so shit right now. Dunno who's talking now, some shit about v.i.p party's??? Kanye West's Good Life Party? Timberlake & Timbaland's Southern Hospitality Party? R. Kelly & DMX's Doggy-fiddling Party? Load of Barse.

21:16 :: First award! The alpha-slag from Pussy Cat Dolls and Paw Boobed Eve: Bumbling Clods. Monster Single of the Year. Too many nominees to care. Rhianna wins. She says this is heavy but I don't think she's talking about anything other than the weight of the award, would have been nice if she had some sort of psychological breakdown or something. Didn't thank God, She'll get hers!

21:19 :: Back to Kanye's party, everyone's wearing shit shades but it actually looks kinda fun. Kanye's not all that bad bad tho, he's no guy from Alabama 3, hate that guy.

21:20 :: Fucking Akon comes on from out of no where for pretty much 10 seconds. I don't need shit like this.

21:21 :: Quadruple Threat award??? What does that even mean? Oh it's the Best Musician Who Also Does Other Shit Award! Dancer/singer/actor/clothing line Justin wins, seems like a prick.

21:23 :: Fall Out Boy's private party. Whats with this? My brains starting to melt. Always thought the good looking one would be the singer. Wooo they're smashing their equipment hopefully that's all they brought.

21:25 :: Now we're at The Foo Fighters party. Pat smear!!!! whats he doing back? I hate cello's. These private parties are giving the show a weird feel.

21:27 :: Best Earth Shattering Collaboration? Shittering more like HA! Bollix barse felch Fiddy and Kanye hype rubbish. Quite like that Gwen Steffani song, want that to win, Timbaland has become such an embarrassing fart bubble.
Beyonce/Shakira win, Beyonce's boobs are like jelly.

21:30 :: Ronson and arse voiced tossbag from Maroon 5, feel nauseous. Once again they only get about 30 seconds so its not all bad.

21:36 :: Performance from Chris Brown, Charlie Chaplin in a world where random rules, miming. I'd kill him if he jumped on my table like that, hope he falls.

21:40 :: Rhianna interrupts for a lame version of Umbrella that sounds like she has Evanescence or Night Wish for a backing band, now Chris Brown is doing 'billie jean' for a second, then dances more useless dances.

21:43 :: Back to Kanye's party, dunno who this is, someone who's a horrible shit possibly.

21:43 :: Stars of some show I've never heard of. Male Artist of the Year. Timberlake wins, Timbamuppet makes the speech its so fucking touching, touching balls!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahah. Speech goes: 'fuckity fuck fuck barse boring blah blah i love you all but don't wanna see The Simpsons on reality television' Odd ball.

21:47 :: Cee-lo and Foo Fighters butcher Prince. Doesn't seem to be any black people at these private parties, just blonde white girls.

21:48 :: Fiddy, J.T and Timbaland. Infinity-bollix Product Placement Rap. Worst. Shit. Ever. Fiddy looks exhausted from having to 'rap' and move at the same time.

21:50 :: Shia leBoeuf announces the name of the new Indiana Jones movie to the most uncaring bunch of half wits ever assembled (it's called 'Indiana Jones and the Mega Badger' if you care). Presents Female Artist of the Year. Fergie wins but has wet her pants, can't come to the stage. Ludacris supposed to come get it but doesn't bother. Shia LeBoeuf wins Best Female.

21:57 :: Pamela Anderson points us in the direction of Kanye's party once again, how much screen time does this guy get?? Party looks far to orderly, cant help wishing for a natural disaster to hit Vegas, a piss vortex perhaps.

22:00 :: Fall Out Boy and Lil Wayne, really??? That's actually baloobas enough to be semi-interesting. I'm wrong.

22:02 :: Someone called Megan Fox dressed as a hooker, Timbaland and Linkin Park, this can't get much worse. This is worse than cot-death, well probably not. Actually they don't even deserve to be blah fuckity fuck fart blah.

22:06 :: Stars of Entourage, look like coke heads, present Best Band. Fall Out Boy win, seem to be surrounded by people pulling mooner's turns out they're muppets trying to get on camera.

22:09 :: Foo's and Serj Tankian covering 'Holiday in Cambodia' someone here must have a sense of humour.

22:15 :: Rhianna's back, singing with Fall Out Boy now, worthless ball sweat.

22:16 :: Nelly introduces Alicia Keys, forgot both of them existed, doing some sort of power ballad that sounds just like 'Where is the Love' by Black Eyed Peas, that's how bad it is. Seems to be taking forever to end, now she's covering George Michael via Stevie Wonder, whats the fucking point, mud shitting ball noise severed limb sex fantasy music overblown herpes soul.

22:22 :: Fall Out Boy party, doing that 'We don't have to take out clothes of to have a good time' song. Please take yr skin off and roll around in battery acid you pricks.

22:23 :: Jamie Foxx breaks news of a Tommy Lee / Kid Rock fight! Stop white on white crime!! Jamie Foxx must be on drugs he's all over the gaff. Jennifer Garner's there as well. best new artist Gym Class Heroes win, the Bjorn Again of emo-hop.

22:26 :: Fiddy's back 'rapping' along with himself.

22:27 :: Idiot Miss South Carolina makes fun of her self I think, maybe she just fucked up again. More Ronson bilge.

22:28 :: Mary J. Blige is looking old, talking bout raw, real music. She's talking about Dr. Dre, he's done some good shit but seriously this is laughable, muscle bound mumbling weirdo tries to make some tenuous link between being a great producer and the Best Video Award.

22:31 Best Video! Justice nominated again? Kanye too, maybe this is just so Kanye can get his own back for last year. Ha! No Rhianna wins! Hardly the best video ever. Rubbish no brain speech.

22:33 :: Fucking Mastodon, how it does it feel, playing to a bunch of star fucker gowls politely bopping their empty skulls?

22:39 :: Timbagain Justin & Nelly Furtado, fuck this I'm going for a wee.

22:44 :: Back, this shite is still on, honestly just had a chat with my dad about why Kraftwerk are better than Joan Armatrading.

22:46 :: Thank Allah it's finally over. That wasn't worth it at all.

So there we have it, terrible things said and done by horrible people infront of gormless fucktards and Kanye stll didn't get an award, can't wait till next year.

- RV.

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