Looking back over my last few posts yesterday I became utterly disgusted with myself. Simpering appraisals of fey indie bands!? Words like exquisite, sublime and LOVE! What was this? Had I lost my mind completely? "C'mon SB!" I said to myself. "Snap out of it. That's not the hate filled misanthrope people know and love. What are you gay or something?" With this in mind I decided to take drastic measures. I immediately hopped on my bike, headed on down to the Grand Canal and kicked a couple of swans to death. Instantly I felt like a new man.
This brings me nicely on to today's piece. This week Carl Bloody Barat made headlines when his band played a special one off show for the inmates of Pentonville Prison. Pentonville was made famous as the very slammer where former bandmate Peter Doherty served two months for robbing him. Aside from headbutting Johnny Borrell in 2005 this is probably Doherty's single greatest achievement. Now I know you're probably thinking that this post is going to be full of crude and puerile jokes about Barat getting anally raped in the showers. And you'd be right!
Here's what I envision. Book Barat on a nationwide tour of America's hardest prisons. Dress him up as Natalie Portman circa Closer. Throw him onstage in a flimsy dress in front of 80 of the hardest, most sex starved bunch of Mexican Gangbangers in San Quentin and watch the hilarity flow. I know that this seems just a tad bit cruel and unnecessary but this the man who inflicted on us not only the Libertines, possibly the most overrated British band of all time, but also his current posse of talent free posers Dirty Pretty Things.
Barat has always struck me as something something of the toffee-nosed public schoolboy slumming it with the tough kids and this latest cynical PR stunt does nothing to dissuade that notion. The fact that the gig has been organized by Wasted Youth to highlight the high number of suicides amongst young men in prison makes Barat's shameless publicity grabbing antics all the more disgraceful. It must be hard enough for these men being incarcerated in the first place without having this horsefaced twat come along to piss in their cornflakes with his infantile dribblings.
S.B.
(Author's Note - No swans were harmed during the writing of this article. However, a cat was shouted at)
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